the apple tree

guh I'm so glad Thanksgiving is over. My mom had gone up to see my sister Lilah and her husband, so it was just me and my dad for awhile. It was frikkin awesome - no one to nag, no clean freak to obsessively tell us to clean up after us...all was heavenly. We (my dad and I) planned to go down to Tyler on Thanksgiving Day to purchase one of Oprah's famed Greenberg smoked turkeys and have that for dinner. But alas it was not meant to be. My mom had to come home early due to some airline fluke so me, my parents and my sister Lori all went out to IHOP for dinner. Let me tell you that chicken down there is NASTY. And then my mother complained all the way home about her visit. The only thing she had good things to say about was my sister's house because apparently it was a big, rustic, expensive house with a nice view of the waterfront. But even my mom couldn't help making a few complaints here and there about it. My mom's nagging got so bad I finally just plugged my ears with my fingers. And she wonders why I avoid her all the time?

On a different note, last night on a whim I joined ancientworlds.net and I think it's pretty cool. It gave me my own little page to design and even lets you upload your own avatar. I wish I could draw well enough to draw Porcia. I found it kinda disappointing because they let you have roleplays but all the current ones are pretty disappointing. I ended up joining a group that discusses Julius Caesar - his life and times. Not surprisingly alot of the members of this group are hardcore Caesar fans. This should be fun hehe.

I also saw - surprise! - Bingley there. He's part of the group that discusses ancient Greeks though. Meh. He also joined recently, I noticed.

Next week - final reviews and last minute projects. Fun.

How the *@#$ is it that I can get A's on all my essay tests but when it comes to essay homework I just can't do it? It baffles me. I want to ask Dr. Trimble except my paper is due in an hour and I can't see her until tomorrow. If I weren't in public I'd cry. I can't do this! I can't! I really want to because I really want all my freshman credits in on time but unless I get this paper done I can just kiss that off. I think I'll quit college altogether. It was a financial burden anyways. I'm not even adequate enough to pass a stupid freshman english class. What the #$@* is wrong with me?!

UGH I want to scream. Either that or have the next two weeks just be over already. In roughly two weeks I have to

- study for 2 last minute tests
- study for 3 final exams
- write 3 essays for english

Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to cover it. I was supposed to go to a movie night at someone's house tonight but my ride bailed out at the last minute. I could be having fun right now. But I'm not.

On a different note, I went to a Cicero book chat last night. Too bad I haven't read the book in about a month. The chat wasn't at all what I expected though, which I guess is good. I thought it would be an in-depth look at Cicero's life and the book because all these people were pretty damn smart. Instead we kinda skipped around everywhere and didn't get as in-depth as I expected. It was kinda funny though because everyone but me was having problems with their AIM so I just sat back and watched them get logged out every minute or two. Afterwards it was just me and Bingley. I was pretty intimidated because he writes ancient biographies for websites so I assume he is very smart. He was actually very nice. He lives in New Guineau, I think. So yea I'm definitely going to the next book chat they're having :)

P.S. the band Simple Plan needs to be shot because they SUCK

Sorry for the last post...maybe being patronized isn't so bad after all...

Not much happened today. I realized at the last minute that I did not, in fact, have enough money for the psychiatrist. Yes, I am stupid like that. I had to borrow it from my dad under the pretense that I was going to see an actual doctor doctor. My parents would freak if they knew I'm seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist. Turns out I didn't need it anyways. The doctor was out on an emergency and no one ever told me, so I had to reschedule the appointment tentatively for Dec. 8th. I honestly think I have a curse or something on me because as I was walking out of my last class across campus to the health clinic, a heavy gully washer started up. When I finally arrived there the whole of my blue jeans had been soaked. And if that wasn't enough the payphones wouldn't let me connect outside of the city so I could call someone for a ride. The stupid operators wanted me to pay $2.50 to speak to them. That's right, two dollars and fifty cents to talk to someone for one minute who probably won't be able to help anyways in that amount of time. That's five times the amount it cost for me to make a regular call. What is this world coming to??

On an odd tangent, I saw Venus in the lobby upstairs, which is where the psychiatrists and psychologists are located. She's one of the last people I'd expect to see there. She's in my english class and except for the mole on her nose there's nothing unique about her. Oh well I'll think about it later.

Final note: I had some fun in my college adjustment course. We had a nutritionist for a guest speaker and she had short, bright red hair. She also handed out blindingly pink handouts. So I just sat there, amusing myself by looking at the handout for a minute, then looking at her hair and have my eyes freak out. I recommend it to anyone in similar circumstances.

I hate he who shall not be named. Hate Hate Hate. I try to get close to him but he'll never let me. It's almost as if he's patronizing me. I don't know. Maybe he is. Grrr I hate him!! Even if he is unique and stands apart from the crowd, I'm going to leave him behind. I'm not even going to try anymore. I'll start treating him the way he treats me. Nothing more than a distant friend. If you're reading this, I hate you!!!

I think I'll start from Sunday. Yes. It feels like a whole month or couple of months has been stuffed into this one week.

Two of the books I bought from the second hand book store were First Man in Rome and Cold Mountain. I sat down to read the first one and found I liked it...until I got to the part about Julilla. I felt her pain of unrequited love and ostracizement so strongly I shed a tear and couldn't stop shaking for a long, long time. The worst though were the sounds and images - I could see her clawing the furniture and bawling while screaming her lungs out for her husband to love her. That was what drove me nuts the most. If it weren't for Porcia I think I would have gone nuts. I tried everything to tame the screams in my head - and some of them worked a little - but it wasn't until Porcia came and comforted Julilla, singing lullabies and such, that it stopped. Now I try not to think about Julilla much for fear of the pain coming back along with all the overwhelming sensual imagery.

Then I started on Cold Mountain. I was so riveted I finished it the next day and have been recommending it to anyone who'll listen. This is my new favorite book. Coincidentally, they're making a movie about it that's coming out soon (which is what finally motivated me into buying the book). I've heard nothing but rave reviews about it and I'm really pumped about seeing it. I joined an online club for the movie and from the pictures I have totally fallen in love with Jude Law. He has everything - total hotness, deep side that doesn't try to impress anyone, and intense love for his family. I know I have no chance of marrying him so I hope I'll find someone like him someday.

Anyways, this book has also brought me a dilemma. It has made me yearn for the forest like the one I grew up in. I used to want to become Amish, and for awhile there that dream sort of replayed itself in my mind. But would I be willing to leave everything the city has to offer? That is the paradox I have been turmoiling over: going back to my "roots" and living in the foothills of nowhere or stay in the city. The main reason I wanted to go live on a farm was because a) I miss the wilderness and b) alot of times the modern world gives me a headache with wars and politics and such. I feel like Janus the two faced god from ancient greece in that I cannot make up my mind decisively on either choice. It reminds me of a conversation I once had with Mr. Mansfield. We had gotten on the topic of the country and he said he and his wife were wanting to live out on a farm. I looked at him strangely and told him I would too except I would need that social contact. Back then I couldn't think beyond living by myself. But if I had a good husband (someone like Jude...) then I'd seriously consider it. Some people dream of being a big star or being a millionaire; I think I shall make small town living with a good husband my inner dream.

Enough of that. Freddie died. I have to stop calling him Puck, his old screenname. His name is Freddie. He died in his sleep. I feel really guilty now for not making an effort to talk to him over the summer. In fact I wanted to get over him because he was too clingy. But now I feel shame. He had one of the biggest impacts on my life the whole time I knew him. He liked me for my innocence, so to speak, yet he opened my eyes up to a whole new world. I will grieve for him someday, but for now I just want to say thank you and God bless you Puck.

I'm going to disappear one of these days. Just walk along one of the beaten paths into the foothills and see where it takes me...

I went to see a psychologist today. I wanted to tell someone about Porcia and the rest of them. The psychologist was a young woman who looked pretty nice. That was the only comforting thing about the session. She kept asking me simple questions yet I found myself confounded by most of them. Looking back, I realize I still haven't told her the entire concept of Porcia - i.e., why she's so much a part of me. My response to all of her questions made Porcia seem one-dimensional when it's exactly the opposite. Porcia is one of the few people to me who have depth. That's why I'm kinda guilty that I went; my deer-caught-in-the-headlights answers gave the psychologist a clear-cut answer to my problems and made me seem almost childlike. But Porcia goes so much deeper than that. The most disturbing thing though was the psychologist had this tone of gentle indifference. Here I was pouring out my thoughts to someone who was indifferent. All in all it wasn't a ery pleasant experience.

I haven't been able to grasp any of them today, least of all Porcia, and I don't know if that's a curse or a blessing.

The psychologist signed me up for another meeting with her and for a meeting with a psychiatrist. I'm still debating whether I should go and risk another experience like this or just cancel the meetings altogether.

Where are you now, Porcia?

I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same...