the apple tree

Here I am, hiding out in my room...again. My mom's pissed and once again I find myself the object of short clipped commands while she gripes and moans to everyone who'll listen and even those who won't. There was a leak behind her washer so I helped to identify exactly where it was coming from and to put containers underneath the dripping ceiling (I'm the only one small enough to climb back there). So the maintenance guy came and fixed it in a few short minutes but in the process accidentally knocked over one of the containers. Now my mom's bitching (excuse my language) because she has to wash the carpet in that one small spot. Oh my God. The world is coming to an end. Part of the crpet is water-logged. I tried to cheer her up by reminding her that the leak was indeed fixed but I guess I should've learned after all these years that a) she rarely listens to me and b) she loves to gripe and moan.

My sister and her fiance Jason came in this afternoon to stay until their wedding on Saturday. I figure I'd much rather be here than being ignored in favor of my sister. I don't have any gripes against my sister, don't get me wrong, I love her to death. But I swear on my life she is my mom's favorite. I don't mind much though because for the most part my mom grates on my nerves (like tonight).

We lost power in our apartment last night. Some young chick sped into the wire pole and snapped it in half, all the while flipping her own car over. She got out of it ok but I hope she learns a lesson from it. Seven and a half hours with no electricity and no A.C. in near 100-degree weather. Yea.

I'll talk about my college experience next time because quite frankly I don't feel like it now. Until next time.

I started and finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower last night because I was feeling infinite. My parents were out for a late night swim on a warm night so I had thw house to myself. I was just sitting there on the floor of the living room listening to my radio and reading this book. Usually I stay up at night because I don't want to wake up early and make my day longer. But last night I stayed up all night because of the reason stated above and it felt so refreshing. I even heard a new song by a band called Starting Line and absolutely loved it.

The thing is last time I read Wallflower I didn't like it much because I couldn't quite understand it. But when I read it this time, I understand it fully and hated it. It's not that I didn't disagree with it; it was about this boy who is alot like me in many ways. I guess I shouldn't say that exactly; it's just that the author really makes you feel like the boy is like you and it really cuts you up. Now that I look back on it I can't pinpoint exactly why I hated it. I guess it's because since I thought I was alot like Charlie I didn't want to change like he did at the end. I didn't like the change. I dunno. It was strange.

After I finished reading it I watched Barney Miller and The Bob Newhart Show before I got this really, really strong urge to watch It's a Wonderful Life like I used to. So I did until 4:30, by which I went to bed for fear of the wrath of my parents.

My aunt called my mom because she's taking a college writing exam tomorrow. I didn't even know she was in college.

I told my mom about possibly maybe not really moving in with Kat next year, the first person I've ever told about it including Kat. I didn't tell her though that Kat lives in the Bronx. Still my mom's depressed since both my sisters already live far away and now I want to, too. I'm sorry.

There are times when I respect my mother. And then there are times when she really, really gets on my nerves. Lije tonight my dad was doing her hair. He went to beauty school for awhile and though he never finished I can tell he still wishes he did. He has those plastic dummy heads that he works on every spare minute he has. So anyways, while he was doing my mom's hair my sister commented that he was doing pretty well and maybe find a job doing it. then when he was out of the room my mom scolded her for saying it; apparently my mom didn't want to encourage him because he "wasn't as good as the ones in professional salons." I was shocked. So what if he isn't as good, he can still my dream can't he? And there's no plausible reason why he can't just go back to beauty school and do it professionally.

That's the problem I have with my mom - she's too realistic. I realize that she was probably raised that way but still I can't stand it when she bursts someone's dream like a bubble. I've always loved my dad because he reminds me of that guy with the afro who used to paint on tv - Bob something. They both found simple enjoyment in the small things; for Bob it was painting, for my dad it's things like baseball and hair styling. Those sorts of people have my deepest respect and are the ones I try to emulate the most.

I know both my parents are depressed right now, and I try to be there for both of them, but it's hard when my mom keeps complaining about work and the bills and life in general. I know when she was a teen she loved history and latin, like me, but somewhere down the road he dreams got diffused and she's what she is now. Maybe I am too much of a dreamer - but I'd rather stay that way.

woohoo I finally got this thing pretty decent looking. The only thing is the links section are off-center no matter what I do. Also I put my archives into monthly bundles to save some space on the side. Write later...maybe.

For the first time in forever I can say that I'm genuinely exhausted. Me and Steven and the whole group of us went out to a mini-golf place that had video games and all sorts of stuff. We played video games first and I won myself enough tickets to exchange for a pink chinese finger trap (last time I came here I got a blue one), a superball, and a blue shiny sticker. Then we split up to play golf. I ended up with a young (and I do mean young) couple who I've never talked to before. They were really fun to play with given that we all did badly on an extremely creative course. Then we played some more video games and went to Chili's. I ended up ordering some really bland cheesesticks for seven bucks but all in all it was worth it.

Sounds bland once I lay it out flat. There were a few pocketful of details though: Quynn was there with her three kids. She got majorly pissed off at Dawson when he ran off and didn't respond to her calling. This was the first time I've seen Steve's dad and youngest brother (heck this is the first time I've seen any of his siblings). After put-putting I was watching the young couple I mentioned earlier play a multi-player video game. The girl got on the high score list on level eight. all the highest were level ninety-nines and the guy commented that those were the people that spent fifty-seven bucks on it. I got to know Jen a little better. She's over here on some missionary thing and she claims to hail from Pennsylvania although her accent isn't anything I've heard from the United States. She was the one that gave me the ride to all these places. She had her car radio set on the christian station and while she was driving me home one of my favorite songs came on: Remember Me. I haven't listened to the christian station in years so the song touched me all the more. I'd give anything to play it over and over again.

Another thing that happened last night/this morning. I was lying in bed seeing through Tullia's eyes to help with my writing and I kept thinking through her if there really was such a thing as a "fulfilling" life and if there was more than just sleeping, eating, paying bills, seeing friends everyday and "going through the motions". Then I got up to use the restroom and I see the familiar lights of the tv from the living room. My mom had been watching it for about half an hour because she couldn't sleep and I knew why. I just sat down with her and wtahced it - it was an old Catherine Hepburn movie about a couple in the 1800s with very fine musical talent. I wasn't really interested and my mind kept wandering but I just stayed there because I knew even with silence the mere presence of another can bring some comfort, and that's what I wanted to do with my mom. I think my dad kind of spoiled it though because he came in and asked when she was coming to bed, leaving the kitchen light on, etc.

All I have to do now is look at myself now and despair. I'm so skinny it's like I'm not even there. I'd give anything to gain 30 or 40 pounds and look healthy. I actually did eat some peaches today and man they tasted sooo good. I think I will indulge myself tomorrow morning instead of sleeping in like I usually do.

Bought my books today. $336.48 on eight books. I got a laugh out of the fact that one of my anthropology books (and one of the most expensive) was written by my professer. I don't really know why it's required because it's written specifically on one culture when I'm taking a broad introductary course. Nothing really special happened today otherwise. I had Frito's for breakfast. I don't know why that seems important but it does. Probably because I haven't eaten breakfast in months.

I told my mom that I'll probably quit school after this year. I don't want to be a financial burden for them or myself for that matter.

Another thing - I got this little card that told me how to activate my loan online. I found it funny because it was issued by the federal government yet it still was all upbeat and had bright colors as if the person reading it was in elementary school. Shows how they think of us.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. I hope it will.

so I took a career test on emode.com. Last career test I took was in high school and they told me my ideal job a cab driver. You can see why I wanted to take one again. This is what I got.

Charity, your Right Job will allow you to be Creative

Did you know?

From that, we can tell your inventive personality is in tune with your emotions. You have a rich imagination that needs room to flourish in the workplace so it can be appreciated by colleagues, coworkers and clients.

So I'm like ok. The worst part was this...

But don't you want to know more? Aren't you dying to know what the #1 job that statistically matches your personality is?


I dunno. Maybe. Maybe shelling out a few bucks will be worth it. For now, though, I'll just content myself with burning curiosity.

I was reading the Politiblog and learned something new: Dubya's birthday was last month. So hats off to you, Mr. President.

Kura reminded me I needed to buy my books for college. I'm almost afraid to considering the cost.

I started a new blog for Julia in hopes that it will aid me in telling her story. Hopefully I'll actually write in it.

I promised to write you about my trip last week so here goes. We (i.e. my parents dragged me along) to the shore. Ok that's misleading as we have a beach a couple miles away; my parents took me far, far up the coast. We first stopped off at a tiny city. It really was a nice little city, deeply rooted in its history. It had something alot of cities lack: the communion, the deep feeling every native of the city has of each other. Just the kind of city I'd like to live in. We ate lunch in a local burger joint ("the best pie in the state!") and I swear I had the biggest salad I've ever had in my life for just three bucks. They even served real bacon and ham and two types of cheeses with it! Mmm makes me hungry just thinking about it. Unfortunately though we didn't have time for pie.
So we toured around a little bit - went to the historical musuem, etc., and ended up in a tiny shop that sold homemade jams and jellies. It was while my mom was talking to the shopkeeper that I noticed I had the biggest bee I've ever seen in my entire life attached to my shorts. It was all black and looked like it about to explode it was so plump. I gently dug my nails into my mom's arm before nearly fainting; one of the guys who worked at the shop managed to swipe it off and kill it. Good thing too because if that thing stung I swear I would've fainted. then we went to a quaint little bookshop where I bought a book about slavery in the U.S. and a pamplet about the civil war. Both of them were a disgrace to history.
Then we went out in search of the shore. There was one gas station, though, that I'll never forget. I was hungry so I went in to get a candy bar - nothing. All the boxes were empty. First time I've ever seen something like it.
So we finally went to the beach right? We had such a blast there - God I love it so much. Then we went souvenir shopping - I picked up my usual souvenir keychain, plus a cute little plush turtle, a nice-looking necklace and some flamingo lights. You know christmas lights? It's like those only with plastic flamingos attached to them. Then we went to a local - and expensive - diner and went home.

I tried to put up my flamingo lights yesterday using sticky tack. No such luck. Guess I'll have to put more holes in my wall with regular tacks (I have purple christmas lights around the computer desk, outlining my door, in the corner and up the side of my dresser). For now, though, the sticky tack will have to remain on my walls in big globs. Hopefully I won't wake up in the middle of the night and mistake them for roaches or something.

ok...that's the last time I type in bold print. I'm going to bed now...really!

I know I know I haven't been updating lately so sue me. I just got back from a short trip and I've been kinda lazy. In fact as of this writing I haven't stayed up this late in months, and I don't even know why I'm not in bed yet. I know you want something new from me and well I'm sorry. I haven't committed anything to paper yet. Actually that's a lie - I did but I hate it. So to placate you here's something I wrote earlier in the year that's only been viewed by my former creative writing class. Hope you're happy. BTW, tomorrow I'll write about my trip. BTW BTW this is written from Dot's POV.

Dirges of the Past

Crazy. Sexy. Beautiful. All of these words could have described my mother at one time. All of these words described the mother I loved the most, before she had my baby brother. Her tiny frame held so much energy then she seemed like a bottle rocket ready to explode sooner or later. Those were the times when both me and her would claim the day as ours and ours alone; she taking me everywhere and telling me everything. We were happy.
One day that sticks out vividly in my mind was the day things started to unravel between us. It was the summer after my fifth birthday; my mother woke me up at about the usual time in the morning and I could tell by the dirty dishes on the kitchen table my father had already left for work. Normally we'd eat breakfast together as a family but there were times, like now, where he'd get called in early.
Mom gave me my usual bowl of cold cereal before sitting down herself.

"You up to going out with me today?" she asked in a cautiously cheery tone.

"Of course!" I smiled brightly. How could I say no? Staying at home alone at such a young age was practically abhorrent, not to mention scary. Besides, every day was an adventure with her - she always made sure of it.

"Well, hurry up then. We've got an appointment."

"For the doctor?"

"No, not for the doctor." She got up to put the dishes away in the sink. "An audition."

Now, I was only five years old but I knew full well what that meant. My mother dragged me along with her to so many that I knew everything about them. Each time one rolled around she'd get the most happiest, as if she expected something greater from it.
We were out the door pretty quickly, which surprised me because my mother was never one to rush.

I think I'll stop there for now. I'll type the rest later...maybe

I had a very vivid dream last night, one the most vivid I've ever had. It started with me and my sister Lori, oddly, taking walks in our neighborhood everyday. We'd pass by this boy's house and soon he developed a crush on me. Coincidentally he looked like the skin I made Ovid out of in my Sims game. One day he came out and without my sister's knowing somehow got me inside his house. I was a little worried that my sister would get paranoid not knowing where I was but he reassured me. He made Campbell's soup that came from a special can that was made for two people (it said something like 'two for a drop') and we both shared it in a big bowl. From this moment I got the feeling that I used to get whenever I was with my ex, Freddie - not sure how to describe it. But from that point on even though we didn't officially claim that we were an item we acted like one and I felt something really deep from him. Then he invited me to an overnight party with alot of people from school - alot of 'cool' people. At the party he was starting to get a little more carefree, especially among the girls - something I've never seen in him before. We were all supposed to go out to the mall and I remember seeing a greyhound-ish bus parked outside with indian whale paintings on the side. Alicia Fleming (someone I haven't seen since freshman year of high school irl) made a comment to me about the markings. Then for some reason I got into his parent's car which had a tannish interior- they were both in it already. I remember wondering how 8 people could fit into the backseat of this regular-sized car. Finally though we just took off - just me and his parents - and we drove around the neighborhood alot. The next thing I know I'm hanging out by the pool (I think) and my guy is talking to me over a Charlie's Angels-type speaker phone. I was getting angry with him and finally got really hurt when he asked me why I didn't go with them to the mall. I then explained that I waited in his parent's car and no one showed up. The next scene I remember is that I'm hanging out with my family by the same pool and they're comparing me with April (grr). Finally my Aunt Charlene says April's better and my mom tells me to go home and change clothes. I happily storm off and when I get to the house I don't close the door all the way and my dad comes home from work wearing these scary pink sunglasses and what looks like a white policeman's uniform. He scares the crap outta me when he opens the door. That's all I remember.

I miss Freddie, but he hasn't replied to the email I sent months ago. Maybe I'll try again...

finally got this to come out the way I wanted it to...yay :)

I was listening to the opera/musical hour on my local classical station. Normally I don't like classical music but for some reason I find I really like this stuff. Freaky, huh?

I watched About a Boy with my sister Lori. It was really long but pretty good.

Speaking of good things, me and her went to a local second-hand bookstore last night. I spent sixteen of my fifty dollars I have left on two books by Plutarch and an encyclopedia of sorts of Greek/Roman women. One of the books my sister bought was a book called Lies Across America: What Our Historic Sites Get Wrong by James W. Loewen. It's obviously biased but very informative and interesting nonetheless. I'm hooked on it. Shows how little I know about our history, lol.

less than a month till college starts....le sigh